The Massage

I just got out of my second Ayuverdic massage for the past week. So far I’ve had three overall and WOWZA!!! For those of you who don’t know what an Ayurvedic massage is, it’s a type of massaging technique developed in Kerola, a neighbouring state to Tamil Nadu. The massage is quite different than your average massage (are most “average” massages just considered to be swedish?) because it uses an insane amount of oil(s). There are literally dozens of different oils that are infused with herbs and other sorts of ingredients with medicinal properties to choose from. Each type of oil has a different purpose and is applied in a different way and to a different part of your body- and applied quite lavishly I must add. Oh yeah, and you’re generally ass-naked for it! There’s nothing more emasculating than having to have two men flip your naked body over because you have been slipping and sliding around on a wooden table trying to flip over unsuccessfully because there’s too much oil on the table making it impossible for you to get any sort of grip...

My first experience with an Ayurvedic massage was in Goa. Perhaps I should have known that something was up when I told Bruno, a volunteer from Germany, that I was getting an Ayuverdic massage later on that day and he cracked a cheeky smile and said “have fun!” I had no idea how awkward the next hour was going to be as I entered the back room of that shack on the side of the road... My conversation with the masseur kind of went like this once in the back room:

Masseur: Okay, sir, you get undressed.

Me: Shit, I totally forgot that I’m not wearing boxers, can I just run back to the hotel since it’s across the street and grab some? I’ll be two seconds.

Masseur: No, no, no. You get naked.

Me: Haaa? Is there a towel or something? Where do I change?

Masseur: No, no, no. This is Ayurvedic massage. No clothes, no towel.

Me: Hmmm. Are you sure?

I took a look around and, seemingly for the first time, realized that I was in a pretty sketchy looking back-room, with another man and a tub of oil. I then proceeded to do the most logical thing one would do in such situation and began to undress in front of the man. It was incredibly awkward and I made sure to mutter and sigh loud enough for him to hear so that he’d know I wasn’t comfortable with the situation. Next thing I know I’m laying on my stomach, clutching the side of the table and holding my laughter in. It was insanely hard not to just burst out laughing. After about fifteen minutes of convincing myself that I was being silly and that I was the one that approached the man for a massage, and not the other way around, I finally began to relax. It lasted about thirty seconds before the man began doing a weird flicking motion at the end of my buttocks to get rid of the excess oil. My butt cheeks clenched right up and I burst out laughing unable to control myself. I quickly composed myself but decided to stay in the clenched position while telling myself that there is no way in hell that I’m flipping on my stomach if he asks me to.

Fast forward twenty more minutes and the masseur says, “okay now, you get on back”. “Shit! Shit! Shit!”, I thought to myself. I decided I’d just ignore him and hope he’d forget about it. After a few seconds of awkward silence he gives me a little nudge and says “flip”. I tried to play dumb and replied, “Huh? What do you mean?” It was pretty obvious what he meant and he knew it. I’m sure most of his customers react in a similar manner when he asks them to flip because he dangled a cloth that was in his hand in front of my face to reassure me that it was all under control. That my boys were safe. A minute later there I was, face up with a cloth rolled into a cigar-like-shape strategically placed over my manhood. It was definitely the most awkward and the funniest experience I’ve had in a while. I could not keep a straight face and I constantly burst out laughing and then proceeded to apologize. I found myself tipping him really well, basically a baksheesh, as if to say, that what just happened back there is staying back there...

I’ve been pretty lucky and have actually been provided with a loincloth for my past two massages though which is better for the most part except that they put it on for you. They reach down through your legs and put it on and then they tie if for you. I’ve learned to just not question some things here... You’re probably wondering why on Earth I went back when I just said it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. In Goa I kind of threw out my back and was in a ridiculous amount of pain. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. After two weeks the pain was finally subsiding when I stupidly played basketball in the morning and afternoon with the kids I was coaching for my new project. The next morning I woke up in an insane amount of pain again. I have done an MRI and unfortunately found out that I mya have two bulging discs and some other problems with my hips and back. Being the drama queen that I am, I moped around for a few hours until I realized that it’s not a huge deal and that all I had to do was look around and realize that I still had it better than 99% of the people around me. It’s really annoying and frustrating when you want to feel sorry for yourself in India because there’s always someone who has it way worse than you do. I just have to look to the new care centre I’m working at to see that. It really puts things in perspective to be in a country like India. The next time you are complaining about how unlucky you are, remember that it can be worse, a lot worse.